Peace and Love

i should reeaalllllyyy start studying for those…yeah.  it’s so cool though, with all the seniors getting their acceptance letters, and deciding where they are going to spend the next four years of their lives.  i’m kind of jealous that they get to make that journey now, a part of me is ready to get going with my life.  buuutt, at the same time, i’m happy that i have more time to stay in indianapolis and just take some time with all these things that are starting to hop in my life.  within the next two months i am

1) rowing at the final for nationals

2) going to france

3) saying goodbye to ALL my friends leaving for college

4) working at my new job

5) all the school shit we have to do, with exams and finals and college stuff

ok, well anyway, just a breathing reminder.  breathe!!!

Or medicines.  that’s their official name anyway.  i should begin by saying that i could explain how deeply meaningful and inspiring this journey was at the beginning, but that would be completely false.  i loved the idea of course, but mentally i was just tryin to figure out when i would have time to go to all the rooms, figure out the clues, etc.  in fact, most of my motivation to finding all the clues, and taking the time to do the hunt was because i was tired of hearing everyone else talk about it.  ALL i heard over the course of that week was, “did you do the hunt?  did you find humor?  oh that one’s so easy.”  yeah.  after a few days i was like, ”you know what?  fine.  i’ll find the stupid virtues, then these  conversations can go elsewhere.” 

so i looked for the stuff.  i kind of felt really cool, i have to say.  asking random people whether they’ve got love, or insight, and then they either look at you in a deceptive manner, or they look at you like you are a nut.  either way, i found the ordeal a lot of fun, i’m not going to lie.  i took an hour, and did it by myself.  some things are better done solo.  i didn’t really discuss the clues with students either, but i did get some help from the people along the way.  you could compare the teachers to the SA, except none of them are very supernatural.  just super awsome

i found all fifteen of the medicines, just because i feel a) on this hero journey i will take all the help i can get, and 2) there’s no way i’d be able to differentiate between which would be more important to me than others.  defining what qualities i have and which i need is very hard, because i know that i am no where near perfect, and there would be a point where i was running a little short on confidence.  maybe i thought i had enough.  you see what i mean.  i was very happy i did it by myself though, because i feel like i had time to think about the act of going and getting all of the qualities, putting them into my bag, maybe hanging out with my SAs a little bit before it was time to move on. 

         so, where this journey really begins i guess, is with integrity, because that was the one that i began with.  i figured i can get anywhere from campus ministry.  if there is one thing i lack, it would be integrity.  not because i’m a bad person, but because there are times when i am a biiiitch.  there are times when i am willing to disregard my morals to get ahead.  not big things, but not things mama would be proud of.  i also disregard road signs a lot.  but i don’t thing that applies.  however, to make up for any discrepancies, i do posess helpful qualities as well (:  i believe myself compassionate out the wazoo, not to brag.  but look at what i want to do with my life, join the jesuit international peace corps, become a UN ambassador to El Salvador or Pakistan, adopt eight Nigerian kids.  something along these lines.  caring for others is very important to me, just being able to have empathy in relating to their stories and maybe try to help.

Since this would be an obnoxiouslt long post if i explained how every single one of these medicine qualities would serve me in my life and my hero journey..i won’t. i’ll do the best seven, which is a good compromise.

Integrity: I started off with this one. knowing myself pretty well, i have enough integrity to be a proud person, but not enough to go through life without taking any shortcuts. as a matter of fact actually, i think i have the least integrity of any of these quality medicines. granted, i initially thought that i could just zoom on over to all the other hiding places from campus ministry, so realistically it made sense. i like the people that hand out integrity. seemed like a good place to begin

Heart: i LOVE the people in the principal’s office. i love that they’re funny, and that they cut me slack when i need it. and that they’re always there to help me, and that they’re loose enough to chill out, but not unprofessional. so, i wanted heart. they made you work for it though, i had to say why i thought it was in that particular spot, and why i wanted it before she would give it to me (: but it made me laugh. one of my favorite things to do in the world is (i’m sorry for being cliche!) but to spread love (: dooling it out like santa claus on christmas eve with presents for everyone in the world. my gift is love. i love to give it, i love to get it…i like to talk to people who love me when i’ve had a rough day. it’s marvelous (:

Wisdom: i’ve got some. but honestly, this one was important to me and my journey because my little card had a love quote. it was actually the definition of love, which i personally found very wise. generally, it is believed that wisdom comes with age. i mean, we’re seventeen, what can we know. well, we actually know quite a bit. i can appreciate how we can’t really go out and boast of our wise capabilities, but when i need advice, i go to my friends. and a lot of the time, their wisdom inspires me. i hope to be able to be that for people one day.

Humor: i love senora jackman. supernatural aids, i’m serious. all of these people. humor, i think i’ve got. i may be shy at first, and i guess we can all use more humor, but it is one of my favorite qualities in everyone, including myself and people i’ve only met once.

Perseverance: i feel like right now, especially with everything going on ap exams, tests, colleges, sports, dance, pt, model un, community service, ugg. just everything that is completely sucking the life out of you like eight hundred little leeches. NOT a good time. stress is mounting. which is why perseverance is one of the most important qualites pertaining to my success in life, or in anything really. just gotta keep on truckin.

Strength: different from perservence i feel. strength can come in so many different forms. i see it in all of my friends, especially one of my best friends who just lost her grandfather. she is one of the happiest people i know, and i love her forever, and even when she came back she had a huge smile on her face, and didn’t mention anything negative. she was ready to go to work. she was ready for life to go back to normal…THAT is strength. people who can keep their shit to themselves, not talk about people who annoy them, just stay out of drama. those are strong people. those are people that i would like to one day resemble.

Humility: i sometimes tried to fake humility. then i tried to fake not having any humility. neither one was really….me. a person can be strong and still be humble right? be confident, but still aware that they aren’t superman? that is the healthy balance that i am looking for. this quality is one that is tricky for me. how do we know when it’s being humble, and when it’s beating yourself down? i love knowing that i love myself. admittedly, i’m nowhere near perfect, but that’s ok with me. the balance that i’m looking for maybe won’t be so hard to find, but it’s still an important journey (:

should be happy, but of course like all my other blogs, snapple has nothing to do with what i will actually be talking about.  no, today people i have a couple of things on my mind.  one, when you tell people things it is annoying as fuuucckkk when they tell everyone else. including their mother and she tells your aunt, who tells YOUR grandmother.  and your sister gets pissed at you.  mhm. good rule, just to remember?  DO NOT tell your loud mouth mother things that a friend told you.  even if you and your mom are super, super tight.  don’t do it.  in fact, don’t tell anyone.  because then your friend won’t be upset.  and making your friends upset is a bad thing to do.

OK, so thanks for letting me get that off my chest, lets talk about happier things!  crew has started, whoot whoot!  i’m really happy, i’ve got a new coach, who was a paraolympic champion (i KNOW, she’s wicked strong) and a trainer who rowed in the navy named stupid don.  i’m really, really excited for this season. so far it’s been killer, but once i become a beast it won’t be too hard

i’m applying for a restaurant job tomorrow! only problem is, i’ll be gone for seven weeks this summer…hm.. wish me luck guys!

taking the SAT on saturday, then it’s just study and community service!  ohh, and physical therapy, which is going pretty well so far (:  i think it’ll help a lot in the end.  right now though, it’s time to go and do my exercises, so i’ma peace out for right now, and hope everything can somehow get done ((:

are the best.  granted, i eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich every day, and it kinda loses appeal after a while, but they’re sooo good generally.  i promise, i mean, i thought it wouldn’t be good at first too, but then i tried it.  it’s amazing.  make a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich, and then cover the opposite sides with butter.  grill and enjoy.  now that you know the perfect snack, this is what i’ve been thinking over the past couple of blogless weeks.  you know how stuff kind of builds up over a while?  yeah, well yay for mindless breakdowns, i was chilling at my house, on..sunday, and i babysit for this adorable girl who’s 5 months old.  we have an AWSOME time together, and after i got home, i check my texts.  now, this whole introduction has a point, i promise.  ok, so after pounds of stress have been building up, stress i didn’t even acknowledge, i get a really sweet valentine’s day text from a friend of mine…and i LOSE it.  it was kind of ridiculous now that i remember it.  but yeah, i just could not stop crying, which was stupid, but it felt soo good when i finally stopped (:  like this huge fat man has been lifted off of your soul.  yeah, so aside from making grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches, cry.  you can do them simultaneously if you want (:  so yeah, fun time

ok just kidding, although this is one of those notes that evveryone does on facebook, just because it’s kind of like jesus chain mail, where you are anti- God if you don’t forward it or something. which is completely lame, but whateves, i just needed a creative title. or a semi-creative title (:
anyway, so topic of the week…back pain and physical therapy. to everyone that i’ve told this story to, i am so sorry. ooo, random thought, i have an A in ap enviro!! yay life!
ok, so for the past year i have had a ton of back pain, because of rowing and whatnot, and it’s sucked. a loooot. made me cry on several occations, but the back is just not a cool injury you know? like, if i like, got my eye poked out, you know or something you know, something that gets props, so people will at least be sympathetic in their minds, which sounds completely poor me, you know, conceited and sorry about that. but anyway, so i’ve seen some people about it, (my back not my eye) and none of them have really done anything effective, because no one knew what was wrong with me. everything looked fine, i got eight billion x-rays and they were all like, you’re fine, just inflexible, so stretch, take advil, whatever. and i was like, “thanks.”
the problem is, while it sucks to have pain, i can’t row as well as i’d like, i mean..i am a turtle now. on the erg. it’s embarrassing.
so i saw another doctor on friday, (who is a complete fox by the way. he looks like julian on one tree hill.) and not only did he actually take the time to figure out exactly what’s wrong with me, he got that it hurt, and he was completely willing to help, he got that my sport was important to me, and that i needed to be healthy, not in pain to perform the way that i want to, and improve and whatnot.
so yeah. happy ending!

is the title of a song by Colbie Callait byy the way.  in case anyone was wondering.
anyway, so i was thinking earlier today.  which, as mr hauger put it. “is something we did not do yesterday.”  snow days are pretty awsome :]]

anyway once again, WHAT i was thinking, is how it always seems like we want to define ourselves by the big things that happen in our lives…but in reality, who we really are..is just an accumulation of the little things, the things we do without thinking, that we do every day.  i mean, every so often when we have these, “where is my life going, who am i, etc.” epitimies that we all have every now and then, it really is, just stuff we never think about that it all comes down to.  for example, today i didn’t go to crew.  that felt wierd, and yeah basically triggered a “what the hell kathleen?”  kind of feeling.  i proceeded to think about how obnoxious it is being a twin, which believe me, has never happened before.  but i’m kinda in one of those moods, you know, the one where we really don’t want to be around people and we’re easily pissed off?  yeah.  and of course michael, having to be around me a lot, got the worst of that mood.  but i kept it in, which is good, otherwise i’d feel really bad, and regret something i might have said.

anyway so yeah.  i’m kind of wanting to change up the little things…is that bad?

following up on last week’s fear post, let me tell you, i’m completely positive that there are tons of irrational things we as brebeuf students hate, or are bothered by.  things that a lot of the rest of the world would consider insignificent or petty.  well.  it doesn’t seem like that now, now these things kind of seem monumental.

for example, i just took a geometry test.  anyone who knows me knows i am really, horrible at geometry.  well, trying something different, i studied.  very hard, and i went into the math office every day to converse with my teacher, generally about geometry,  i knew that i knew the material.

well,  getting to the test, i sat to take it.  looking through the test, i recognized many of the problems from homework, and notes, and whatnot.

well.  after the test, or in essence right now, i am thinking of how i did not do well.  as a matter of fact, i didn’t do well at all.  actually, i really want to stop talking about it.

but.  anyway, that is my supposedly insignificent issue right now.  i hate geometry.  i’ve said it before, many people have, but i really, really hate geometry.  i hate everything about it

however.  i’ve never been one to make excuses for myself.  they annoy me as i’m excusing myself.  i don’t want an excuse excusing myself from sucking at geometry.  it’s annoying

bbuuut.  there is not a whole lot we can do about it now is there?  no.  what sucks though, is not knowing how to effectively change what we can do about the future.  that’s what kinda gets me.  anyway,  thank god for blogs. ttyl 

SO. my family always has to have a family dinner, every night, and it doesn’t matter who’s at college, or who’s got what going on, we allways have to make time to sit down, pray, and eat. together. every night.
which is good, really, because with all of our crazy scedules if we didn’t have to spend time together, we’d be like those people who always mean to hang out but never do. which is me also- but shouldn’t be my family too :]
anyway, so the reason for all the babble is because the other night i was explaining how my worst fear, the one thing i am terrified of- i mean seriously, i can handle like, murderers, cereal crazies, the ring, samara, and all the normal crazy stuff, that doesn’t really bother me to be honest. no, my deepest fear is being poor. being a person that’s haunted by the government, and never has money, and etc. i never, ever want to be poor, the thought freaks me out.
which brings me to a second point. college scares me too. and i’m fairly confident in what i think my future is going to be like, i mean, i’ve got a plan. i go to brebeuf. what am i scared of?
welll..i’ll be the first to say that i’m ready to get out, i mean, i’ve visited my sister, and brother, and friends that are at college and it looks niiiice. being on your own- pretty sweet
but at the same time, right now there are a lot of really selfish decisions i get to think about, and really mundane things that i get to worry about, and i’m not ready to let that go i don’t think. to have to deal with issues that are outside, to have to really face them, not just talk about facing them.
i don’t know, maybe i’m having one of those stress moments where we always think really profoundly, or maybe i’m just wondering to fill up blog space, what i really though, is that our plans for our lives never ever work out. i’m not a huge religious person, but i was talking to a friend of mine at st joes university, and he still believes that God has a plan, so maybe finding that plan, and sticking to it is kind of like the hero journey, which i do kinda believe in. maybe we’re by default of trying to live our futures, are just looking for our calls? maybe we’re farther along the hero path than any of us think?

Today i got back from Xavier University (my brothers and sisters, and myself all stayed with my older sister at her apartment for some family bonding sans parents.) My brothers and i got there at about eight, and our evening of family bonding consisted of watching Bruce Almighty, Legally Blonde, and Mary Tyler Moore. (I thought it was fantastic, but i have a point i promise.) Looking around the apartment, and hanging out with other college kids on the floor made me see an entire community of people trying to follow their respective calls. now, i’m not trying to be cliche, it’s honestly true, especially in the decor of my sister’s apartment. everywhere i looked i saw people genuinly looking for what they were going to do to leave their mark on the world. my sister’s room had a large sheet of paper covering one of the walls, kind of a to-do list (except her’s consisted of, taking her lsats, getting into lawschool, getting into teach for america, breathing, etc.) on the wall oposite the tiny kitchen was a sign for barack obama, a sign for human trafficking prevention, a nelson mandela quote, a confucious quote, love quotes, etc. in her roommate’s room that i slept in, there were pictures from her service trip to india for a semester, more inspirational quotes, and college textbooks like the “human brain,” “psychology,” “social working” etc. these are all people finding and following their call, whether it be by becoming vegetarians (as my sister’s three roommates did) by fighting human rights issues (as my sister does by her social work) or by entertaining kids (as my sister’s hallmate mike does by his gifts as a professional clown. not even kidding, and it’s awsome what he can do.)
I believe there isn’t JUST one call out there for any of us, the hard part is picking the call that is going to force ourselves out of the protective shell of familarity and become something we never expected out of ourselves. i want to be suprised with myself when i finally recognize my call.
popping the balloon wasn’t a monumental experience for me, mainly because i always knew i would accept my call when i recognized it. i have been searching for my call ever since i figured out that there was something outside of my world- there was a much larger world outside of my world. i am not afraid of my call at all, i have a few inhibitions perhaps, mainly because i really don’t want to disappoint anyone, least of all myself in failing the call. but i have no apprehensions of accepting it. going to xavier made me realize how ready i am to become my own person fully, and accept whatever challenges lay ahead.